


Flowers, Feathers, and Fists

by Bloodyshadow1



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Cheating, F/F, Femslash, Not Really Cheating, Polyamory, more a mistake, poly negotiations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-02-10 10:57:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18659047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloodyshadow1/pseuds/Bloodyshadow1
Summary: Beau was trying not to be selfish, she really was.  She just wanted Yasha to be happy, even if she wasn't with her.  So she concocts this boneheaded scheme to bring back her crushes wife, against all odds, it worked.  Even if everyday her heart broke a bit more, Beau knew it was worth it, as long as Yasha was happy.  As long as Yasha could be happy with someone Beau could handle all the heartbreak in the world.  She just wasn't prepared for a woman like Zuala and it brings a whole mess of other confusing things into the mix.  Despite what she wants will she ruin everything anyway





	1. Heat of the Moment

**Author's Note:**

> So just a thought, I know that death is sort of permanent in Exandria despite RAW revive spells having upper limits of like a 100 years or so for some. So why not have Zuala come back, love Yasha and they both can fall in love with Beau. I want to be clear that there is no real cheating in this story, a bit of accidental cheating because of a misunderstanding, but that's it. other than that it's a poly relationship with poly negotiations coming up. Hope you like it read and comment if you do

Beau sat down to at a table and downed her glass in a flash, before pouring another one, trying her best to wash away the way that woman’s lips felt on hers. Her drinking heavily wasn’t a rare occurrence but it was better than trying to meditate the feelings away, trying to think about how she had managed to ruin the whole thing. Nott and her dad were right, she ruins everything she touches.  


It’s been two months since they did what they had never thought possible and brought back two long departed souls back from the other side and returned them to life. It hadn’t been easy, but the Mighty Nein never did things the easy way. In the end, Yasha was happy, happier than Beau had ever seen her, and that was all that mattered to her. The Barbarian was smiling, laughing even, it made Beau’s heart burst even if it wasn’t directed at her. That alone was worth 2000 gold of diamonds Beau gave up giving Yasha her best friend and the love of her life back. Beau closed her eyes and remembered the day before, Yasha had Mollymauk under one arm, the real Mollymauk not Lucien or Nonagon, and Zuala under the other. Even if it felt like her heart was being torn to shreds seeing them so happy.  


Three months ago, Beau had looked up spells in the Cobalt Soul, healing spells, necromancy spells, divine spells, it had been something Dairon had her do for her training and she figured she might as well do something useful. She came across the spell Resurrection, a spell that could bring back the dead as long as it had been less than a century, fallen by unnatural means, and the willing soul had a body to come back to. She knew that fit Molly, but she was unsure of Zuala, but she had to see what could happen.  


It was stronger spell than the other magic Jester or Caduceus used to bring people back from the dead. Beau had died for almost a minute when they fought a demon who impaled her on his horns before they brought her back. It had sucked, but she was still alive so that was good at least, even if there had been a lot of crying, which she didn’t expect, she never had anyone who cared about her enough to cry for her, but it was a nice feeling, even if she wished she didn’t have to die to learn that.  


It had been two years since that purple asshole had died, they had gotten stronger, Jester or Caduceus could cast the spell without using their most powerful spells for the day, but there was still a chance it could fail. Even then Cad had refused at first, they argued for days, surprisingly Cad had done most of the shouting, ‘the dead should stay dead Beau,’ he had yelled at her. Beau had never seen him that angry, she understood that he hated undead, but it wasn’t the same thing to bring someone back to life. It had been tough, but she managed to get him to accept what she wanted to do, he wouldn’t help or cast the spell, but he wouldn’t stand against it either.  


Jester had been easy to convince, it was Molly and it was for Yasha, what more did she need to know? The only thing that she seemed apprehensive on was Zuala, Jester knew about Zuala before Beau did, before Yasha told the whole party what had happened with her. Nothing would make her happier than to reunite Yasha with her beloved, but she also knew her best friend better than anyone. From the moment Beau had seen the Barbarian in the Nestled Nook all those years ago she had been smitten, she had wanted to bed that babebarian. Over time though, the monk stopped seeing Yasha as only an object of lust and started to see her as a friend, then something more until it wasn’t just simple attraction, Beau wasn’t smitten, she was in love.  


Of course, Beau was too far gone by the time Yasha had told them about Zuala, she didn’t even know how much the barbarian owned her heart until it was too late. Beau had accepted that she wouldn’t be anything other than Yasha friend and companion and had done so with far more tact and grace than anyone, including her, would have thought. Unfortunately, despite her best intentions, she had fallen too far and too hard for the barbarian, she wouldn’t do anything to push against the other woman’s boundaries, but it didn’t matter. Her heart ached when she saw Yasha in pain, her soul burst when she saw Yasha smile, her flesh burned whenever they touched no matter how stupid the reason.  


Only Jester knew how hard it was for Beau to be in love love with Yasha and not do anything about it. She had nothing against Zuala, she sounded wonderful from the stories Yasha would tell when she was feeling particularly comfortable with them, but she was still just a dead woman to Jester. A dead woman who sounded very nice and very beautiful that Yasha loved very much, but Beau was Jester’s best friend and the cleric would put her and her feelings above any dead woman she hadn’t met before.  


Jester could tell that Beau was serious about this and wouldn’t back down if it meant Yasha was happy, but she also knew Beau better than anyone. When she asked her if she was alright with this, Beau told her she was, she lied to Jester something she never did, and Jester knew the monk was too far gone to listen to anything else.  


So, Jester agreed to cast the spell, both times, it wasn’t as hard for Beau to convince her than Caduceus, in most ways at least. It didn’t stop her heart from breaking when she realized her plan was going to be coming to fruition, with Jester agreeing to be a part of it her plan was actually real, not just a pipe dream. But it hadn’t mattered to Beau, she was just surprised after being trampled on so often there was anything left to break she, told herself.  


Talking to Yasha about it was the hardest part.  


Beau took a deep breath and knocked on the door to the barbarian’s room, she waited outside for what felt like forever until she heard a loud, but soft, “come in.” So, she did, and saw Yasha sharpening her great sword, the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen working on a deadly weapon, it did things to Beau’s heart. “Hello Beauregard,” Yasha said in her neutral tone, wondering why the monk had come to see her. It wasn’t as if Beau had been avoiding her exactly, just she seemed to be withdrawn in general and talked less to Yasha than she had.  


It wasn’t surprising, before the monk had been taken with her and spent many of their conversations flirting, once Beau learned she was married, even if Zuala was dead, she had stopped doing so immediately. That left them little to talk about when they did speak. It wasn’t that Beau was unkind now that she knew they could never be a couple, it hurt whenever Yasha thought that even if she didn’t know why, it just made things awkward for now. Still, it was nice and Yasha was glad that Beau was so respectful to her and her wife, but it was still…, Yasha couldn’t help but feel sad whenever the monk started to say something but remembered and stopped. Beauregard had always been a confusing creature, she confused Yasha’s head as well as her heart and she knew it was better to establish things with the monk before she did something stupid and her companion and ally became a regret.  


“Can I speak to you,” the little monk asked surprisingly sheepish.  


“Of course,” Yasha said in her same stoic tones, despite the curiosity getting the better of her.  


“I was doing some research in the Cobalt Soul Library, you know, the place where I…, work I guess,” Beau said awkwardly, she couldn't do anything normally around Yasha anymore.  


“Where the monks are, the ones that beat you up,” Yasha said apparently impassively. She knew about the Cobalt Soul obviously, Beau was surprisingly good at keeping secrets until the secret was out, after that it was fair game to talk about with her apparently.  


“They don’t beat me up,” Beau said trying to sound indignant, but only managed to appear petulant, “they just…, well I give as good as I get,” she managed to say when she couldn't find the right word. “But yeah, those monks,” Beau said trying to divert back to what she came there to talk about. “They have a library at the Cobalt Soul, the one that I bring Caleb to every now and then, I was looking through books and I found something.”  


“That sounds…, interesting,” Yasha responded being a chatterbox as always.  


“Yeah yeah,” Beau said rolling her eyes, the nerves were still there and taking her words from her, “I’m trying to tell you that I found something interesting and important, something that could fix a lot of things. Look, I just felt that I needed to tell you and get your permission to try, it has a chance of failing, but if it works it could make things a lot better.”  


“You’re not making sense Beauregard,” Yasha said confused. She had known Beau for years, they had come a long way since the circus, but she had never seen the monk act like this.  


“I found a spell, a powerful spell that only powerful clerics can perform,” Beau said ripping off the bandaid. “It can bring someone back from the dead as long as they haven’t been dead for more than a century, they aren’t undead, and didn’t die from old age. As long as the soul is willing and there’s a body to return to…, they can come back to life. Like real life, not a zombie or a vampire or something. We could use it to bring back Molly..., and -,” she didn’t get to finish because Yasha spoke up.  


“Zuala,” the barbarian wasn’t looking at Beau anymore, her eyes were distant as she whispered her wife’s name like a prayer. She had dreams of her love being alive, holding her in her arms again, staring at her beautiful blue eyes, running her hands through her long hair, kissing her soft lips again, but it had always been torture when she woke up and was alone. She had lost two people she loved more than anything, it tore her apart the first time and made her what she was today, losing Molly had felt like losing her hand and now Beau was offering a chance to get them both back.  


“It isn’t perfect Yasha,” Beau said when she saw Yasha wasn’t going to say anything else. “There’s a whole ritual that has to be done, and it takes a thousand diamonds each time Jester or Caduceus cast the spell, but I already have those, offerings to be made, but even then it’s just a roll of the dice. Part of me didn’t want to tell you until we cast it in case it failed. I didn’t want to get your hopes up and break your heart all over again,” Beau said. Truly, hurting Yasha was the last thing she ever wanted to do, “But you deserve to know the truth and you knew them best, you deserve to be the one to make the decision and I can’t take that from you so what do you think?”  


Yasha was quiet, well she was always quiet, she barely said anything back on the high seas when they were being pirates for Fjord, but this was even quiet for her. “T-thank you Beauregard, for telling me this.” the Xhorhasian managed to say, of all the things she expected Beauregard to say to her, this was not it. She most have heard Beau wrong, to bring back Molly was a dream but to have a chance to bring back Zuala, it was impossible. There shouldn’t be magic that could fulfill her wildest most desires yet there was.  


There was an alien feeling pulling into her gut, she recognized it as hope, but it had been so long since she had hope, not since Zuala died. It felt wrong, to hope when she wasn’t there, it felt like a cruel trick and the rage started boil up inside, like it had when fury replaced hope and love. Her hand went to her blade to make the trickster pay, how dare they play with her feelings like this. but as soon as she met Beau’s eyes her rage left. Beau’s beautiful blue eyes were sad, glistening with unshed tears, but full of truth, she looked in pain but told Yasha this anyway.  


Yasha knew how much it hurt Beau to do this, there was no denying the monk had been smitten with her since they met. Unfortunately Beau’s desires grew into something more as time moved on and they became companions and later friends. Eventually Yasha put a stop to it, telling Beau and the others about Zuala, her wife even though she was dead, that was why she couldn’t be anything more than her friend. She needed to, despite her resistance, Beauregard was very special to Yasha, far more than Yasha was comfortable with, because she knew it wasn’t a one sided attraction.  


When she told Beau about Zuala, and why they could never be a thing she wanted it to hurt the monk as terrible as it sounds. Yasha wanted Beau to be angry with her, to realize that Yasha had led her on all this time (*) when nothing could come from it, she wanted the monk to shout at her, maybe even hit her. But Beau wasn’t angry, despite everything Yasha wanted, Beau was incredibly mature about it which only made things worse. She apologized for bothering Yasha, of all things and promised to leave her alone. It hadn’t been what Yasha needed, but at the time it was what she wanted. It hadn’t worked that way, they were still fine in combat together, but it was awkward as soon as their last foe died. It had been a road to recover what friendship had grown between them but they had, though there was still pain between the two of them that they didn’t talk about.  


That was a few months ago, and this was now. “What would such a miracle need,” Yasha asked cautiously, Beau told her, and the plan went into order.  


It worked, twice, someone was listening up there. Stormlord, Wild Mother, Traveler, Moonweaver, Knowing Mistress, it didn’t really matter to Beau, what mattered was that someone was listening and cared enough to listen to their prayers. There was a little ceremony and a ritual for both of them. Apparently three people making heartfelt pleas to the gods make it easier to bring someone back. Beau didn't know why, but it worked so she didn't question it.  


Molly was first of course, he was closer and if it failed…, well they could all help each other out and they knew better to attempt it with Zuala. Yet it had worked, the purple asshole came back, wrapped in his tapestry confused and weak but alive. During the ritual Caduceus could feel the Wildmother’s power flowing into Molly despite Jester calling upon the Traveler’s to raise him from the dead. He took it as a sign that they were on the right path, and in an apology for his shouting offered to be the one to cast the spell to bring Zuala back. After that it was easy to find where Yasha's clan left Zuala's body through magic. There second time through Xhorhas was easier than the first once they knew what to watch out for.  


It was tense, standing over the unmarked grave, they wouldn’t have found where she was buried if it wasn’t for magic. Beau and Molly…, dug her up, they knew it was only going to get harder from here and they wanted to spare Yasha from that at least. Zuala’s corpse had not been pretty, Molly’s hadn’t either, but Zuala had a couple years on him, Yasha threw up when she saw her beloved like that, none of them blamed her. Jester asked her if she wanted to come back to life, Zuala said yes, and that was that. The ritual needed three people, Yasha of course was one of them, she had to be, Molly offered to speak as another since he was the closest to Yasha and knew her the longest the longest, which left one more. No one else knew Zuala, she had died before any of them had met, Cad and Jester might have found out about her first, but they didn’t know her any more than the others did. Caleb, Nott, and Fjord might care about Yasha, but they weren’t exactly close to her, not enough for something like this. Which left Beau…, all eyes turned to her, some sad, some begging, some curious and all Beau could think of was fuck.  


“Haven’t I done enough universe,” Beau asked herself when all her friends, the only people in the whole world who loved her. “I’m trying to be the bigger person here, I found the ritual, I’ve paid for the diamonds, I’ve stepped aside, why are you doing this to me?” She was okay giving up the woman she lov-, the hot woman she had a crush on, but this, this was a lot. The books said that the offerings don’t always take, that it could make it worse, that meant that bringing back Zuala could fail because of her, if Zuala didn’t come back it could be all her fault.  


Beau wasn’t an honest woman by nature, not even to herself, but she wouldn’t pretend that there were parts of her, the darker parts that she hated about herself, that didn’t want Zuala to come back. What if that part of her came out when she spoke up for the ritual and ruined Yasha’s chances at a happy ending. “I’ll do it,” she said without thinking, “I’ll be the third.”  


Yasha knew how Beau felt about her, why she had gone so far to bring back a woman she knew nothing about from the dead. She was so grateful for everything Beau was to do for her, despite it hurting her, she couldn’t ask her to give more, but Beau was going beyond what could be asked. She wanted to tell Beau that she didn’t need to, that she had done more than enough, but she couldn’t, Yasha’s heart was being torn in two, but if it could help bring Zuala back…, Yasha couldn’t turn Beau’s aid down. “Thank you Beau,” Yasha said instead, whatever confusing feelings she had for Beau…, she couldn’t face them now.  


It was awkward, Yasha gave a beautiful speech about how much she loved Zuala and wanted her back, Molly did something similar, but on Yasha’s behalf, Beau was barely listening, she was trying to come up with something to say that wouldn’t screw her friends over and damn Zuala. When it came to Beau’s turn she approached the body, “hi there,” Beau said awkwardly, “my name’s Beau and I’m a…, friend.” Friend sounded right, no need to tell this nice lady about the very sexual and romantic feelings she had for her wife, “Of your wife. You don’t know me, but maybe when you come back you’ll have the chance too, once you come back. This whole thing was my idea, I wanted Yasha to be happy and I know there’s nothing that could make her happier than you coming back to her, so if this doesn’t work, blame me okay, not her. She loves you and misses you dearly, please, come back to her.” That was all she could say without making an even bigger fool of herself.  


Beau wasn’t sure if it worked, there was no sign if it had or hadn’t, just her in a field with her friends ten feet away talking to a body that had been dead for years that belonged to the woman she wanted to bone. Letting out a sigh Beau walked back towards her friends, Yasha gave her a grateful look and Caleb put his hand on her shoulder. Caduceus walked forward to complete the ritual and started his prayer. Silently, Beau grasped her hands together in prayer and begged every god she knew was out there, Iounn the Knowing Mistress who the Cobalt Soul, and Beau by osmosis worshipped, the Traveler Jester’s god and friend, Erathis the Lawbearer who cast a wide shadow over Beau’s life and fellow lesbian, and of course Melora the Wildmother, Caduceus’ god who was being called upon for the ritual. “I know you’re big on the whole dead staying dead thing, I’m not asking you to rend on that, just maybe make an exception this one time? One lesbian to another can you do me, Yasha, and Zuala a solid and just let this happen? Please,” she said finishing and watching.  


It was the longest hour of Beau’s life, she wasn’t good at being patient on a good day, for this it was torture. But she didn’t complain, it was annoying for her, but she knew that it was literally hell for Yasha. There wasn’t anything Beau wanted to do more than go over and comfort her, but it wasn’t her place, Beau didn’t think she had the right to. Thankfully Molly was there and placed a comforting arm around the aasimar to remind her she wasn’t alone.  


After what felt like years, there was shift in the air, Beau wasn’t exactly the most arcane or divinely tuned individual but even she felt it pass like an invisible wave of force. It didn’t hurt, but it was certainly felt, they all watched as Caduceus stood up, his brow heavy with sweat but smiling as warm as ever. “It worked,” he said, sounding even more tired than he looked, “gods help me it worked,” and he nearly fell over. Beau rushed forward, normally the quickest, to keep him up, but as fast as she was, Yasha sprinted passed both of them, couldn’t blame her though.  


Kneeling down, Yasha gently brushed Zuala’s hair out of her face and could only stare at her beautiful wife, something she never thought she would see again. Everything was there and perfect, her skin dark as night, almost black like a drow’s was the same shade as she remembered, the horns she loved to hold when they kissed, the hair red as flame that she loved to run her fingers through, it was all there, she was all there and she was even more beautiful than Yasha’s dreams. “Zuala,” Yasha said softly, voice full of hope, she knew that hope was dangerous, it left you open, but she couldn’t help but dare to hope after coming this far. “Zuala love, are you in there,” she said giving her wife a bit of a shake, “Zuala please come back to me,” she begged the pit in her stomach slowly growing wider.  


“Y-Yasha,” a soft sweet voice came out of the tiefling, it was quiet but flooded the aasimar’s ears. “Yasha my love,” Zuala said, her eyes open slowly and silver eyes met Yasha’s blue and violet, “I didn’t think I’d see you again, not like this anyway,” she coughed. No one could blame her, a minute ago she was a soul on a different plane and her body was a corpse a few years old, she wasn’t used to speaking with a throat again.  


“I never thought I’d see you again until the end Zuala,” Yasha said softly, “but here you are,” tears fell from her face.  


“I’m afraid this is a dream,” Zuala said sitting up and kissing her wife, “I can’t stay awake,” she said her eyes closing, “just be there when I wake up, I want to hear about you.” And with that her eyes closed, falling back to sleep.  


“Zuala,” Yasha shouted in worry, shaking her lost love again, “don’t leave me, please, not again.”  


“It’s alright Yasha,” Caduceus said as Beau helped him stumble closer, “she’ll be fine in a few days. Coming back to life takes even more energy than bringing someone back to life, she just needs rest and when she wakes up food. Oh and good company, but I have a feeling she’ll have enough of that,” he said giving Yasha a comforting look.  


“Congratulations Yasha,” Beau said sincerely, even if she was envious of the unconscious woman, she could be happy for Yasha. She couldn’t help but be envious of Yasha either, Zuala was quite a beauty, Yasha always said she was but never really went into details, Beau didn’t even know the barbarian’s wife was a tiefling.  


“Thank you Beau,” Yasha said softly as a platitude, her head was too full of Zuala to think of anything else. Then remembering who Beau was and how she made all of this possible, she shook her head, “thank you for everything Beau,” Yasha said with far more sincerity as she hefted Zuala into her arms, “without you I would never have gotten her back.”  


“It’s nothing Yasha,” Beau said trying to wave off her broke heart, “I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” and the crazy thing is that she would. “I’m looking forward to meeting her when she really wakes up,” she said hopefully.  


“I’m sure the two of you will be great friends,” Yasha said tears pouring down her eyes knowing how much she was hurting Beau. The beautiful little monk didn’t deserve this and Yasha knew it.  


“We should probably get going,” Caduceus broke in, “Zuala would probably rest better in a bed than in a bubble, and the ones at the Lavish Chateau are more comfortable than the ones here in Xhorhas. Well I mean probably a least right?”  


“Good idea Caddyshack,” Beau said cutting him off before he could go into one of this rambling tangents. Beau needed a wagon full of booze and maybe a hooker or two to get this feeling off of her or to just let her not feel anything at all. “Let’s take your lady home,” Beau said to Yasha trying to sound as supportive as possible.  


“Yes, let's go home,” Yasha said giving Zuala a loving look that was another knife in Beau’s heart, but she had gotten used to having a broken heart when she was 6 so it didn’t matter much to her, at least that’s what she told herself.  


After that it was a blur, Zuala woke up the next day but couldn’t move for another three, Yasha played nursemaid the whole time, not leaving her wife’s side for a moment. There were introductions after she woke up, with Zuala saying how much she was looking forward to getting to know all of them.  


Apparently that was the truth, Beau’s biggest fear with bringing Zuala back was that Yasha was going to leave the Nein now that she had a chance at happiness again, which proved unfounded. Yasha told them that she would still be their companion as long as they wanted her and Zuala wanted to come along as well. Yasha’s wife wasn’t much of a fighter, she had Yasha for that, but she had powers of her own, the power of nature at her fingertips. She wasn’t so powerful with her druidic abilities yet, but they figured that if Zuala traveled with the Mighty Nein she would have plenty of time to get experience in her craft.  


That was their lives now, Yasha didn’t disappear as often, the Stormlord still called for her every now and then but the absences were shorter. She had someone to come back for now, Zuala stayed with the Nein since Yasha’s divine missions were too dangerous to bring her along her wife that had been dead for years. Yasha had grown strong during and from her absence, the newly reborn Zuala couldn’t keep up and Yasha wouldn’t risk her again. Zuala took it in stride, it wasn’t fun to be reminded how weak she was compared to her wife and her friends, but it was the truth and she accepted it with more grace than most.  


Beau did her best to respect Yasha’s marriage with Zuala, she stopped flirting with the Barbarian alltogether, which was difficult since one of her favorite things to do was making a fool of herself in front of Yasha. She did her best to stop her gawking at Yasha too, she’d been trying to do that ever since she found out Yasha was married and still in love with her then dead wife, but now that Zuala was around it felt really wrong to do. She couldn’t stop looking at Yasha of course, she was giant and gorgeous killing machine, the only way that Beau could do that was if she ripped her eyes out, which wasn’t an option…, not yet anyway. So Beau just did her best to limit her time staring at Yasha, only when the barbarian was doing something really cool or looked really hot. She figured she couldn’t be faulted for that right, if she looked when anyone would.  


Of course, that wasn’t as easy as it sounded, Yasha was amazing, she wielded her great sword like it was a part of her, she was always doing awesome things. Plus she was still one of the most beautiful women Beau had ever seen, she was always hot, she was just hot with Zuala at her side now. So Beau did her best to stare at the lovely pair the two made when she thought no one was watching. It was hard and awkward at first, like everything to do with her former crush and her wife, but Beau got it down eventually, at least that’s what she thought.  
Honestly, Zuala was the biggest problem, which was obvious from the start, just not in the way Beau imagined. Zuala was…, she was perfect, perfect all round, a perfect wife for Yasha, Beau couldn’t even find anything about her to hate. She was gorgeous, beautiful even, the tiefling might not be as tall or as muscular as Yasha, who was, but she was still Xhorhasian and her build showed like she lived in the land that made the Dwendalian Empire look soft. Definitely Beau’s type, you know if she wasn’t already married to someone who was Beau’s type. In addition to her beauty, Zuala was kind, sweet, and gentle outside of battle, the perfect wife for anyone, she never had anything bad to say about anyone, helped out with the chores in camp without complaint. Her only downside, and it was barely that, was that she wasn’t that powerful in a fight compared to the rest of the Nein.  


It wasn’t Zuala’s fault, she had been dead while Yasha went off to do the Stormlord’s bidding, even before that Zuala explained she was only an apprentice before the tribe killed her. She had potential to be powerful, druidic magics weren’t anything to underestimate, Nila was proof of that, but for now she hanged back from the battle, flinging spells at a safe distance or helping Caduceus heal people so Jester was able to help out on using her magics offensively. It was helpful, and it was good for Beau and Yasha to hold the line, there were a dozen or so times Zuala fussed over Beau after a battle, too often Beau had to hold her tongue from saying something stupid to the tiefling.  


Everything was sort of falling into a new normal, it was awkward at first but everything eventually settled into place for Beau. At least until Zuala kissed her one night after a battle, that changed everything.


	2. Clarification

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm glad you guys liked this so much, I've never gotten such good reviews, so thank you. I do want to say that they really did help me in writing this, I started the story more than a month ago and finished the first chapter a couple weeks ago. I've had writers block since then but your comments helped so much it got me writing again. The third chapter is going to be some time, since I haven't even started it yet, but I hope you guys like this

It was a good kiss, a great kiss even, Beau could tell that much even if she lacked experience. The monk didn’t really kiss people, not platonically as a greeting, not friendly kisses on the forehead, rarely even with her lovers. Their first night in Shadycreek Run, when she paid Vorsa for her company, it was a good night and great sex but Beau didn’t kiss her, Vorsa didn’t even try so Beau didn’t either. Beau might have kissed Keg during their…, well their fucking was a bit more intimate given that they knew each other a bit longer and happy to be alive sex does something to you. Still, the dwarven woman seemed to want more than Beau was willing to give and respected that. 

So color Beau surprised when one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen crawled into her lap one night and gave her the kiss of a lifetime. Beau panicked a bit before her mind slipped away from her as she recounted what led to Zuala, the beautiful Tiefling and beautiful wife of her good friend and Yasha who starred in many of Beau’s dreams. 

They were celebrating in a tavern in some Podunk town, well they had been celebrating a few hours ago after saving it from a band of Vrock that were harassing the town and other nearby villages. In thanks the town paid for their rooms and whatever food and drink they wanted, never one to turn down free anything the Mighty Nein celebrated. Yasha retired first, she wasn’t one for crazy celebrations, Zuala would have followed her, but she had almost died again earlier in the battle and wanted to live it up a little. Slowly the party wound down, the townsfolk left a bit after Yasha, then the rest of the Nein left, until the bartender gave Beau, Molly, and Zuala a few bottles before he headed off to sleep as well. Molly left then, after seeing that Zuala wanted to talk to Beau about something and wished them both a good night. Well, he wished Zuala a good night and told Beau not to fall asleep in her own vomit which lead to both of them flipping each other off but it amounted to the same thing. 

It wasn’t like this was the first time the two of them had been alone together, but it sort of was. They had taken watch together and Zuala had patched Beau up, but that had always been in camp where the others, usually Zuala’s wife, were around. Now, in the bar of the inn they were staying at, barely lit by dying candles, the two of them were the only souls awake. Beau kept drinking, Zuala stopped ages ago, alcohol didn’t affect the monk like it used to, too much ki and Zen or something to allow her to drink herself to sleep anymore. It was cheap stuff, and it would make her piss like a horse in a bit, but Beau was still trying to figure out what to say. 

Turns out she didn’t have to, “you saved my life today Beauregard,” Zuala said in her thick Xhorhasian accent, Beau suppressed a shiver, not wanting to admit how good her name sounded with that accent. “The Vrock, I think the demon would have killed me if you hadn’t gotten in its way,” the taller Tiefling woman shivered at the thought. 

The vulture demons were in all honesty child’s play to the Mighty Nein, they were so strong, and they had gotten cocky and spread out more than normal since they didn’t need their normal formation and just enjoyed an easy job. One of the fiends took advantage of their lack of attention and snuck around to where she was off alone, they weren’t smart creatures, but they did possess a sort of wicked cunning. Zuala hadn’t prepared many combat spells, she rarely did, but she should have been able to slay one of the demons. 

Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on her side, and the Vrock let out a terrifying cry that shook her to her core leaving her unable to move. It was loud enough that the others were able to be aware that she was in danger, but they were too far away to help, except for Beau who was as fast as ever and intercepted the demon. The little woman from the Empire stood between them, the vulture demon’s claws tore at Beau, the demon’s claws tore at her stomach making the monk snarl like a wild animal, but she didn’t waver, she blocked the fiend’s stabbing beak with of her bracer and punched it with her fist when it was off balance. Beau distracted the demon long enough for Zuala to gather herself and shake off the fear, between the two of them, the Vrock didn’t stand a chance. 

“Are you alright Zuala,” Yasha said immediately running over to her wife’s side as the creature died in fire. The rest of the flock of Vrocks were dead, the other members of the Nein finished them off, they slowly turned into sickening black sludge when they perished which meant no loot other than what the creatures carried with them. 

“I’m fine my love,” Zuala said gently patting Yasha’s face, “I was lucky, Beauregard was there to save me,” she said and they both looked over at the monk who was checking the sludge pile of the demon once the flames burned out, she wasn’t looking at either of them. “Thank you Beauregard,” Zuala said her hands not leaving Yasha’s and the two of them walked over to the smaller woman. Both of them noticed how she was leaning on her staff, but didn’t say anything. One of the first things Zuala learned about Beauregard was how much her pride meant to her, and the sad foundations on why that importance was built. 

“Oh it was nothing,” Beau said trying to be modest, “you shouldn’t have been in danger in the first place, I-, we should have seen the one sneaking off.” 

“Still,” Zuala said eyeing where Beau’s wound had been. Between her and Caduceus there wouldn’t be a scar, but it still needed to be wrapped for now. “You saved me and got hurt because of me, I’m grateful.” 

“It’s really no problem,” Beau said embarrassed, “I’m tough and I’ve been hurt by worse. Besides, we’re friends Zuala, I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” she said sincerely. Beau would throw herself on the spear for any of her friends, they all knew that, it worried them sometimes. 

“Still,” Zuala said softly, “please be careful Beauregard, I know I’m the one who let my guard down, but you’re far too important to lose.” 

Beau’s self-esteem had gotten better since traveling with the Nein, but holy shit, a beautiful girl saying things like that, even if she was completely off limits, did things to someone’s ego. “Yeah okay, I’ll try if you guys stay safe.” 

It wasn’t the promise that Zuala wanted but she knew it was all she was going to get. She hadn’t known the monk for very long, not compared to the others, but she knew Beau would never promise to put her life above her companions, that just wasn’t how the monk was. 

But that was then, hours ago, now, Zuala straddling her savior, giving Beau the best kiss she ever had, paralyzing the monk. With her brain unsure of what to, Beau’s body reacted instinctively, her arms wrapped around the beautiful tiefling and immediately kissed back deepening the kiss as Zuala’s devil tongue entered in her mouth. Zuala tasted like life and kissed like fire, the carnal dumb monkey brain in Beau was content to just kiss the tiefling until the world ended. 

But the more evolved part of Beau’s brain, the part that knew how fucked up it was to be kissing Yasha’s wife caught up a second later. Yasha, the woman Beau had a lusted after the moment she had seen her, that she had befriended and fought beside for years, probably the only woman Beau ever would admit to herself that she loved. And even if that wasn’t the case she was Yasha, the barbarian who could rip her limb from limb for kissing her wife, as guilt pooled into her stomach Beau wasn’t sure if she’d even try to stop her. Beau’s eyes snapped open realizing what was happening and pushed Zuala off of her, it was a gentle push but enough to knock the druid to the ground and break the kiss. “What, the fuck,” Beau demanded panting, “was that.” 

“It was a kiss,” Zuala said confused and a bit hurt that Beau pushed her to the ground. “Did you not like it,” she knew Beau did, a woman’s body didn’t react like that if she didn’t like how you kissed. 

“I-,” Beau started to say as she caught her breath, “I liked it,” she admitted, “of course I fucking liked it. It was the best kiss of my life,” she couldn’t lie about that. 

“Then what’s the problem,” Zuala asked still confused as she sat up into a more comfortable position on the floor. “You liked the kiss, I know you find me attractive, I’ve seen the way you look at me,” it wasn’t a question. Beau stares at women, she is a lesbian who loves women of all shapes and sizes and sometimes oogles a pretty dame or two, she did her best not to make things weird with Yasha, but Zuala was beautiful and Beau was only human. 

“The problem is that you’re married, to Yasha, a very good friend of mine,” Beau yell whispered as to not wake up the whole inn. She was lost and confused, she was trying so hard to be good, why was this happening to her. 

“A good friend Beauregard,” Zuala said in her smokey tones as she smiled sarcastically, “are you really going to pretend that’s all My Angel is to you?” 

“We’re just friends,” Beau lied through her teeth, it wasn’t even a good lie, she might as well have been a kid claiming the sky was green for all the good it did. 

“I have eyes Beauregard,” Zuala said cutting through the bullshit, “and while they might not be the ones I was born with, I am far from blind. I see the way you look at her -,” Zuala started to say. 

“Alright fine,” Beau cut in exasperated, “I have a huge crush on your wife. There, you happy? I have since the moment I saw her in Trostenwald, I’ve wanted her since she hoisted me over her shoulder like I weighed nothing at all. Is that why you’re punishing me?” Her breathe was starting to get short and her eyes were starting to get wet in frustration, but she was doing her best to keep herself together. 

“This wasn’t supposed to be a punishment Beauregard,” Zuala said standing up and taking Beau’s head in her hands gently. She dropped the seductress act and became Beau’s friend and comrade Zuala. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me, beyond kind. To me and My Angel, I’m nothing but grateful.” 

Beau only stared at her in disbelief, her time with the Nein had done wonders for her and her self-esteem, but old scars run deep. “Then why are you doing this to me,” she knew that no matter what happened her life was over, it didn’t matter why Zuala had kissed her, it only mattered that it happened. She would be lucky if Yasha didn’t put her sword through her stomach the second she found out, and if she did leave her alive, there was no way that the rest of them would be okay with her trying to seduce her friends wife. Even if Zuala told them that she kissed Beau, they wouldn’t believe her. Beau the disaster not hit on a beautiful woman, it wasn’t possible. 

“I thought you would like it,” Zuala said softly, this wasn’t even close to how things went in her head all the times she had thought about it, and it was a lot of times. “I thought you would be happy, I figured that if anyone had the right to kiss my wife’s wife it would be me, or Yasha which I have thought about a lot.” 

She might have continued on after that but Beau didn’t hear a word after Wife’s wife. “Zuala, Yasha and I aren’t…, anything,” she said her words full of finality. 

“Look Beau I don’t know what happened to make you decide to bring me back to life, which I am grateful for, but you don’t need to act like I’m an idiot,” Zuala said getting frustrated. “I’m not an idiot and I’m not angry, I was dead. I expected Yasha to move on eventually,” the words hurt to say but it didn’t change that she did, “and I’m glad she found you.” 

“No, Zuala I mean we aren’t, ever married,” Beau tried to clarify but stumbles over her words. Was she supposed to be happy that Yasha’s wife liked her enough that she would have been happy if Yasha moved on with her? 

“Fine dating or courting, whatever,” Zuala waved her off. “I’m just saying that I know what Yasha looks like when she’s in love and I know that you stare at her all the time, but whenever she looks at you she looks at you like she looks at me.” 

That shook Beau to the core, that couldn’t be possible, there was no way that Yasha could like her, at least not the way she liked Yasha. Zuala had to be mistaken, right? Just because she’s known Yasha longer than any of them, and just because she’s the love of Yasha’s life, and had apparently studied both of them, that didn’t mean that she knew what she was talking about. “S-she doesn’t look at me in any special way.” 

Zuala studied her for a moment, looking into Beau’s big beautiful blue eyes, and realized, she was telling the truth, 100%. It didn’t make sense to the tiefling druid, they were both gorgeous and strong, sweeter than they seemed at first glance, why weren’t they together? “She does Beauregard, she really does.” Still, it seemed that she was wrong, and Beau wasn’t the beauty she needed to talk to. “Still, it appears I was wrong,” she said embarrassed, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, it wasn’t my intention,” she said letting Beau’s face go. 

“N-no problem,” Beau said this whole thing was easily one of the most confusing and arousing conversations she’s ever had. She really needed to go to bed and sleep this off. 

“I think it would be best if we both retired for the night,” Zuala said her black cheeks dulled slightly white as she blushed. 

“Look,” Beau said regaining herself, “I wish what you said was true, gods’ honest truth, but it isn’t. Yasha loves you more than anything, losing you really hurt her. I also know that you won’t keep this a secret from her, If you want you can blame the kiss on me or the drink, they’re used to me being a screwup.” 

“Thank you, Beauregard,” Zuala said shaking her head, damaged women who didn’t realize how amazing they were, were kind of her thing, but that wouldn’t be an option until she talked to Yasha. “I won’t lie to My Angel, but I will be sure to let her and the others know that you had nothing to do with this.” She gave Beau a kiss on the cheek this time, “I’m sorry that I caused this embarrassment, but I’m promise, I’ll make it worth it.” 

With that Zuala went up the stairs and into her room, she didn’t trust herself to say anything to Beauregard anymore, the monk’s soft confused, ‘night,’ trailing behind her. She entered the room she shared with her wife and got ready for bed. A moment later she took her place beside her angel, and just took her in. A lifetime ago she had fallen for her angel, they were married and torn apart by the tribe, yet here they were in the same bed again, not even death could stop their love. She admired Yasha’s strong arms, thick as trees and covered in scars, her beautiful face that no amount of battle could mare, she was so beautiful, perfect in her own Yasha way. The barbarian was still dressed in her day clothes and above the covers, she probably tried to stay up and wait for her, which made Zuala smile. 

‘Am I being selfish,’ Zuala thought, she had everything she ever wanted, everything she thought was lost to her, and yet she still wanted more. Yasha was more than enough for anything, Zuala would face any danger, any famine, any pain to be beside her. She didn’t need Beauregard as well, if it came down to it. 

But when she thought of the little monk and her heart swelled, Beauregard was beautiful too, her eyes shined like sapphires when she laughed and burned when she fought. She might not have muscles like Yasha, then again who did, but her body was beautiful, as if sculpted from dark stone. She had a bigger heart than she would believe herself to have and a beautiful soul that deserved more than she got. In the end though, Zuala knew she was attracted to Beauregard and could come to love her, she didn’t love her, not yet. But Yasha did even if she wouldn’t admit it and that was enough for her. Zuala never doubted Yasha’s love for her, not when they were wed against the Skyspear’s decree, not when they executed her, she never could when Yasha looked at her like that. The same way she looked at Beau now. 

She could pretend it never happened, just write it off on the booze, she believed Beau when she said she wouldn’t tell Yasha, that she would let Zuala. Beau kept her word, it was one of the first things Zuala learned about the monk. But Zuala knew that while everyone had secrets there were some secrets that would ruin a marriage if kept. 

“Yasha love,” Zuala said gently as she rubbed her wife’s arm, she had learned that Yasha wasn’t the easiest to wake up nowadays. But she knew her wife and her wife’s body better than anyone, she knew how to wake her up without her wings shooting out. 

It took a few minutes but Yasha was eventually roused and returned to the waking world. “Hello my Heart,” Yasha replied sleepily as she sat up and embraced her wife, leaning on her like a lazy cat, “I tried to wait up for you but I guess I fell asleep. Did you have a good time downstairs?” 

That was a difficult question, the kiss was definitely nice, the monk tasted like hope and her tongue made the weakest ale taste sweet. But it wasn’t exactly a pleasant conversation to have since she had been wrong, but it might be a funny story someday. “It was enlightening,” she managed to get out cryptically as she studied her beautiful angel’s face. 

“What’s wrong Zuala,” Yasha asked fiercely, she was adorable like that. 

“I had a conversation with Beauregard downstairs, and I made a big mistake based on an assumption.” Zuala felt the guilt roll in her stomach now, she had thought it would be so simple. Kiss Beau to make her realize that her relationship with Yasha didn’t have to be over now that Zuala was back. Then she would talk to Yasha, confront her if she had to, on her feelings and relationship with Beau to let her know that she didn’t have a problem with her falling in love again after her death. Then maybe fall in love with Beau with Yasha or maybe just be her friend, but either way it would make her wife and her friend happier. 

“I don’t think you’ll have a problem with Beau,” Yasha said calming down a bit. She had thought that someone might have insulted her or tried to start a fight with her, if that was the case she would have to wake Caduceus so her could get some graves ready. If Beau had insulted Zuala it was likely a misunderstanding or a mistake and the little monk would apologize soon. If Zuala insulted Beau, well the monk was resilient and while an apology would still need to be made, she wasn’t one to hold grudges. “Whatever it is she is far more mature than she seems. Why don’t you tell me what happened, maybe I can help you.” 

“I kissed Beauregard,” Zuala said softly as she, “just now in the common room. And I think we need to talk about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make sure that you guys know that Zuala wasn't cheating on Yasha, it was just a misunderstanding because she thought that Beau and Yasha were already together and they broke up/separated before they brought her back. I also wanted Zuala to have flaws, even if she is basically an OC right now I think she should still feel like a character and be able to be wrong. I hope you all like it, I will try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible, but it will likely take longer


	3. choice among in the heart of the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, I meant to work on it over the weekend..., but then I started playing persona 5 again and lost my saturday. I hope you guys like it I'm not sure how well it turned out, but please tell me what you think.

Yasha stared at her wife for a moment unsure if she heard Zuala correctly. She had kissed Beauregard moments ago, she was never good with feelings, but this sent Yasha into a spiral. What was she even supposed to feel at this moment? A storm raged within her, there wasn’t anger or the cold fury that came with her rage in battle, just conflict and noise in her skull. 

She supposed she should feel angry, isn’t that what you’re supposed to feel when the love of your life kisses the other-, kisses your good friend who you definitely aren’t attracted to. She knew Beau was a bit of a mess when it came to beautiful women, it wouldn’t be fair to hate her for being attracted to Zuala, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Yasha felt envious more than anything, though she didn’t understand why. She got to kiss Zuala all the time whenever she wanted, she shouldn’t be jealous that Beau got to kiss her once. Yet, she was, the thorns of jealousy pooled in her stomach only adding to Yasha’s confusion. 

There was a more secretive part of the aasimar’s mind that she didn’t like to admit was there however. And that part of her couldn’t help but feel pleasure at the thought of Zuala kissing Beau. She wondered if this was what Jester and Caleb felt when they read their romance novels. Zuala was of course the most beautiful woman in the world and Beau, well Beau was definitely attractive, to some people if Yasha was being objective. With her gorgeous sapphire eyes that burned when she got excited and her lithe powerful muscles earned through rigorous labor that gave her the stamina to run and fight all day. Despite, or perhaps because of, her smart mouth and sharp tongue, Beau’s lips always did look inviting. It wouldn’t be the first time that Yasha thought about kissing Beau, or Zuala kissing Beau. Still, a dirty thought that was meant to stay in her head, not become real. 

“So you kissed Beau,” Yasha struggled to get out through through her torrent of her soul, it came out barely more than a whisper. 

“Yes, My Angel,” Zuala said guiltily, “I did.” 

“Why,” Yasha asked her voice full of hurt. “Am I not enough for you?” All the doubts and self-loathing came back, the nightmares of Zuala’s desecrated corpse calling her a coward blaming her death on Yasha, everything. She wasn’t crying, but her eyes started to get wet and her vision blurry. Her back was on fire as if her wings were trying to force themselves out of her back. 

“Of course you’re enough Angel,” Zuala said embracing Yasha tightly, “you’ll always be enough,” she promised. 

“Then why did you kiss someone else,” Yasha asked pushing away from Zuala’s embrace. Not out of anger, even in her deepest rage she wouldn’t lash out against Zuala, she just needed to look her love in the eye when she talked to her. 

“I kissed Beauregard, she’s hardly just someone else,” Zuala stated meeting her silver eyes with Yasha’s purple and sea blue. “I still shouldn’t have done it, but let’s not pretend that Beauregard isn’t someone special.” 

“S-she’s a friend to us both,” Yasha stumbled as she answered. Lightning cracked and thunder boom, the lies tasted bitter in her mouth, but it was all she could do to not face the truth. 

“No Yasha, Beauregard might be a friend to us both, but we know that she isn’t just that to you, and not to me now either. Fjord is just a friend, Jester is just a friend, Nott, Caleb, and Caduceus are just friends of ours and you look at them like you look at Beauregard. Mollymauk is your best friend and you don’t stare at him like you do Beauregard.” 

“And how do I look Beau,” Yasha asked trying to remain defiant despite knowing where the conversation was going. . 

“You look at her like you look at me Angel,” Zuala said her big silver eyes full of something Yasha couldn’t place. 

“No I -,” Yasha began to say but Zuala silenced her with a finger on her lips. 

“You do Yasha,” Zuala taking Yasha’s much bigger hands in her own, “you stare at her with longing and sadness, but also love. I thought…, I thought the two of you were together actually,” she admitted. “That the two of you were in a relationship and broke it off when Beau found out I could be back to life.” 

“There was never anyone else Zuala,” Yasha said as bluntly as she could to make sure her wife knew she hadn’t strayed. The lightning and the thunder were silent now, yet the rain still pour harder than ever and the wind howled. 

“Oh Yasha I never wanted you to be alone,” Zuala told her as she stroked her face “and I never questioned your love for me in life or death.” She knew that Yasha loved her, after waking up in a world years after she had died, if there was anything she knew, it was that. “Yasha, I was dead for years, and you were still alone.” 

“I didn’t want to move on,” Yasha said. The wind roared like dragons now, the aasimar felt like it would tear her apart from the inside out. 

“Not wanting to and refusing to is not the same thing Angel,” Zuala said softly, she didn’t want to attack Yasha, she just wanted Yasha to open her eyes. “You were chained by my ghost, denying yourself any chance at happiness out of guilt. That isn’t a life love, living or dead I want you to be happy, it doesn’t have to be with someone else but you need to be able to move forward.” 

“If I moved forward then I would have left you behind,” Yasha argued back weakly. 

“Yasha I was always with you, but in your heart, not as chains,” Zuala said kissing her wife. For a moment it was as if there was no storm, no rain or thunder, not wind or lightning, just the soft lips of the woman she loved in the room they shared. “If you had died back then, I’m not sure if I could find someone else either, maybe it’s hypocritical to expect you to do what I’m not sure I could, but you would want me to be happy right?” Yasha just nodded, she couldn't answer as the winds picked up and the rain began to fall, but more than anything, if she died, she would want Zuala to be happy, even if it meant finding someone else. 

Zuala continued with a sigh, “I’m not going to pretend that I know what you went through after I died. I can only imagine how horrible it was for you after the tribe executed me, being alone, what you did in your rage, being strangled by the guilt of surviving. But despite all that, I know you found people who love you and you love back. You have the largest heart I know Yasha, please, don’t lock it away.” 

“T-the tribe,” Yasha said feebly as the thunder roared back. She could never deny Zuala anything, that wasn’t going to change any time soon. 

“Screw the tribe Yasha,” Zuala roared fiercely, “they killed me in the first place. They wanted to use you as breeding stock so their next generation could grow stronger. We deserve better than them, you deserve better than them. So don’t let their idiocy rule your life my love.” She tenderly cupped Yasha’s face and kissed her deeply. 

Yasha just stayed in Zuala’s arms for a few quiet moments, absorbing what her wife wanted her to hear. After a few quiet moments Yasha spoke up, “I’ll try Zuala, but it was hard enough losing you once, please don’t throw your life away recklessly.” 

“Don’t worry about me my love,” Zuala said, cupping Yasha’s face again as she gazed into her eyes sweetly, “my brush with death today reminded me all too much of my own mortality. I’ve died once already and have no desire for it to happen again. Still, you should say that to Beauregard, this demon might not have posed much of a threat to her, but she still shouldn’t jump in front of one while they’re swinging.” 

The mention of Beau made Yasha pause, she was kind of the elephant in the room that they needed to talk about, the storm was gone if only for now, but there was nothing left in it’s wake. A tiny elephant that was loud and beautiful, and hit things, but still an elephant. “Did you really kiss Beau and tell her you thought we were together,” Yasha asked already knowing the answer. 

“Yes,” Zuala admitted, “yes I did. And then I just ran up here like a coward,” she said pounding her head a bit. “I probably fried her brain and then ran away. She’s probably going crazy right now.” 

“Beau will be fine,” Yasha said though she wasn’t sure. Beau was incredibly strong in body and mind, but her heart was as fragile as it was big. She needed to talk to Zuala, but she needed to speak to Beau too. “Still, we need to talk about her, and us.” 

“That we do my love,” Zuala sighed. 

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to have this conversation,” Yasha admitted, there, the storm was back with all its fury. 

“We don’t have to go straight to the heart, just open up Angel,” Zuala said taking Yasha’s hands again. “We can start slow if you want we don’t have to jump into giving Beau a place in our bed.” 

“Very well, I trust you Zuala,” if there was anything in the world that Yasha knew, it was that she loved and trusted Zuala. Still, the idea of Beau with her and Zuala in bed colored the barbarian’s cheeks. 

“Let’s start with something easy, do you think Beauregard is pretty,” Zuala said starting slow. 

“Yes, she is pretty I suppose,” Yasha said the storm pulsed inside of her but remained steady as she thought about Beau. Taht was a lie of course, she knew that as she thought about the monk and the monk’s face. It wasn’t the visage that classic poets would write about, a nose broken more than twice, the faint pale lines of scars new and old, eyes that were so used to glaring starting to get wrinkles from smiling. The poets of old were fools, Yasha knew how beautiful Beau was, there was no supposing, even if she couldn’t talk for hours saying the same thing over and over again with flowery words. 

“So with both agree that she’s pretty,” Zuala said with a grin, “she’s really pretty,” she continued enthusiastically, “that’s as good of a start as any. Now let's move on to something deeper, do you think Beau is attractive?” 

“Isn’t that the same thing,” Yasha asked confused. 

“No, I mean kind of, but not necessarily,” Zuala explained without explaining. “I mean Jester’s pretty and you attracted to her…, right?” That would be strange, not that Jester wasn’t lovely in a hundred different ways, but she was trying to get her wife to wrap her head around adding another woman to their relationship already, adding two would be too confusing to even think about right now. 

“No, I don’t,” Yasha said getting the point. 

“And Molly is the prettiest of your friends by far and what would you do if you found him splayed out on our bed one night?” Zuala teased trying to ease her wife into this. 

“I would wrap him in a blanket so tight he couldn’t get out and toss him on the floor so I could get some sleep, like I always do when that happens,” Yasha said giving her druid a smile. The storm was still there, she could feel it in her bones, but it wasn’t threatening to tear her apart anymore. 

“Right, but do you feel the same way about Beauregard,” Zuala asked, “we’ve established we both think she’s pretty, but is she pretty like Jester and Molly, or is there something more about the little human that attracts you to her?” 

Thinking about Beau now, remembering her in all she was, Yasha started to wonder. The easy answer would be to just say yes, it was obvious and she had admitted it to herself but it wasn’t so easy, not at first at least. She thought back to their time in the jail at Hupperduke when Beau dramatically collapsed on her when she could walk just fine, how she said Yasha made her feel warm inside when Yasha healed her. The way her eyes sparkled with joy whenever she did something childish like play with toy swords. The way Beau’s voice sounded when she read the town crier’s scroll when Yasha asked her to. “Yeah, Beau is attractive.” 

“Once again we agree,” Zuala said giving Yasha another kiss, “what a surprise. This next part is a bit harder, we can stop if you want.” 

“No Zuala, I’ve been running from these feelings for too long, if I’m going to face them I want to face them with you,” Yasha promised. The thunder and lightning roared but she didn’t feel like it was smothering her anymore, her heart knew the way even if she didn’t. 

“Do you lust after Beauregard,” Zuala asked her next question. 

“Zuala,” Yasha squeaked, an adorable sight for a woman of her size and power. 

“It’s an important question love,” Zuala said sincerely. “We’ve established that you think Beauregard is pretty and that you’re attracted to her, who isn’t? But do you lust after her, could you imagine her beneath you writhing at your touch,” she whispered seductively into Yasha’s collar. “I know first hand what you can do to a woman when you let loose and stop holding back, I can’t image there’s a woman alive who shares the same tastes as the three of us who wouldn’t want you. But what matters now, is what you want? So, if it will make things easier for you, I’ll admit that I do first, that tight tiny body and her firecracker personality combined with her caring heart, she’s sexy as hell. I feel guilty for saying it, but when she does her stretches in the morning, my eyes can’t help but wander.” 

Yasha knew Beau did things to her that no one other than Zuala made her feel and her wife wasn’t helping. Yasha’s mind drifted, Beau was unbelievable beautiful when she didn’t try to be. It’s true that Beau had a way about her that attracted Yasha to her in an impossibly to explain way, her flirting had been endearing from the beginning, but when she was just her awkward incredibly powerful self she made Yasha’s blood boil. When Caleb made her giant for the first time and Yasha knew what Beau felt when it happened to her in the arena. When they fought demons and Caduceus turned Beau into a weapon of the divine, her fists burning with the golden fire of the Wild Mother and crackled with the lightning of the Stormlord as she danced around the demons like an avenging angel. When they faced the faced the demons at the bottom of the well in Asarius and all seemed lost as the bull demon tore through their friends. Then the fiend let out a horrible shriek and keeled over, and when it did she saw Beau, covered in it’s black blood holding the still beating heart in her hands. That was the Beau that Yasha craved, the one Yasha wanted to throw to the ground and claim as hers. That no woman other than Zuala and her would touch their monk, not the Ruby of the Sea, not Mardun, not the Bright Queen herself, she would only be theirs. Of course Yasha knew that this wasn’t exactly a healthy way to lust after someone but filled with the primal savage fury of the storm inside, Yasha knew what the darker parts of her wanted. 

“Yes, I lust for Beau,” Yasha finally admitted after calming herself down, “I want her, almost like I wanted you.” The storm still howled, but Yasha could feel relief with knowing that Zuala knew the truth. “She’s lovely in ways that makes my blood run hot, in ways that I can’t describe.” 

“Yes, she certainly is.” Zuala said dreamily. “See, honest and open communication is the key love. I’m not upset that you think these things of Beauregard, and I would never want you to silence how you feel with me. If we’re going to get through this, if we bring Beauregard into our relationship or not, we need to be honest with each other,” she pleaded to her wife. Her silver eyes and soft words cut through the storm and found Yasha’s core. 

After a few quiet moments, Yasha gathered her thoughts, “so you think…, I’m in love with Beauregard,” it should be a ridiculous question, but then this was hardly a common situation. Yasha would admit, that she was fond of Beau, beyond fond perhaps if she was willing to be honest. There was something about the strange flirtatious little monk that managed to finesse its way through Yasha’s walls and kindled the flames Yasha thought were just dead ash. 

“I think you are Yasha,” Zuala admitted, “or if you aren’t I think you’re falling for her hard. I think it’s a you thing, remember when we were 14 and the fox -,” she started to say but Yasha cut her off immediately. 

“We are not talking about that, ever,” Yasha insisted, her pale cheeks red as an apple. 

“I promised I would take it to my grave,” Zuala joked, “and I’ve risen from that so it’s free game.” Still, she said sobering up, “Beauregard, we need to talk about her.” 

“She prefers Beau,” Yasha said absentmindedly, this wasn’t a conversation she ever though she would have, talking to her wife about loving another woman. Though from the day she met Zuala she never thought that another woman could even touch her heart in the same way, the day she lost Zuala she would have swore such a thing would never happen. Yet, it seemed Beau was born to surprise her. 

“Perhaps, but she seems to like it when I call her Beauregard,” Zuala said as she thought back to all the times Beau shivered when she said her full name nice and slow. Yasha had noticed the shiver before, maybe she did stare at Beau more often then she would one of her other friends. 

“I need to ask Zuala, is what you’re proposing…, with Beau,” Yasha asked nervously. She had thoughts of the two of them together, with her, doing things, things you should not be thinking about your wife and friend doing. But…, she also had thought about them doing other things together, holding each other’s hands, the three of them wrapped around each other in the same bed at night, fighting side by side, by side in battle. But wasn’t that selfish? She had gotten Zuala back, something she never even dared to dream of, having her back in her arms was enough for a thousand lifetimes, could she really ask for more. Beau was amazing and beautiful and strong and oh so many wonderful things, if not for Zuala Yasha would have said yes to Beau long ago. And that hurt, more than anyone would ever know, to admit, even if it was only to herself. 

“I’m not sure to be honest,” Zuala admitted. “I never thought that we would be in a situation like this. When we were married I knew I wanted you forever and I still do, I just never thought I could want someone else, yet here we are.” 

“Yes,” Yasha said giving her wife a nudge with her shoulder, “here we are.” She wanted to make sure Zuala knew that it wasn’t just her choice, it was their choice and they could face anything together. 

“I don’t love Beauregard,” Zuala admitted, “I think she’s beautiful, I’m attracted to her, I can’t help but gaze at her with lust, but I’m not in love with her. Not yet, maybe not ever, but that’s okay because she loves you Yasha and you love her, even if I never fall in love with her as long as she doesn’t hurt you I’m okay with that. She’d be wonderful, if we took her into our bed for a night, what a night it would be. I’m not sure if that would be enough, I’m scared of what the future if that’s what we do. I’m not in love with her but I will admit, I think I could fall for her, I think part of me already is,” she smiled shyly at her wife. “When she jumped in front of the demon that was going to attack me, when it tore through her flesh and I had to knit it back together with magic…, I knew that losing her would hurt more than losing a friend.” 

Yasha knew that it would have taken far more than that to put Beau down, the monk was tougher than her little body would lead you to believe, she had been bitten by hydra, beaten by -monks, blown up by her own friends, and got up to kill things with her bare hands again. Still, it did something to her heart knowing that it wasn’t just her that felt something for Beau. 

“Zuala my heart,” Yasha whispered, “I think I love her, I think I love Beau,” she admitted, the thunder blasted louder than ever, but she didn’t care, tears fell from her eyes, but a weight felt like it lifted from her heart. With that last blast of thunder the storm ended, for now, it was part of her and would be back, but for now inside it had passed. 

“I know you do Angel,” Zuala said giving Yasha a kiss before embracing her beautiful wife. “I’m glad you’re not hiding from that anymore.” 

Looking back Yasha knew she was right, since bringing Zuala back Yasha hasn’t spoken more than a hundred words to Beau. Yasha would say that she was busy or that she didn’t want to make things awkward, or more awkward than their usual, but truthfully, Beau scared her. It scared her how much of a presence Beau had become in her world and when confronted with the idea of her taking up the room Zuala dewelt in she ran at the thought distanced herself. It never occurred to her that she could fit both of them in her heart, that it would grow to accommodate love not cut her heart in half. 

“As for what I’m proposing,” Zuala said circling back to Yasha’s question, “I don’t know how to put this, but I’d like to try to bring Beauregard into our relationship as equals. I want her in our arms together not just our bed, though I’m sure it would be a memorable night, she is very flexible and can run forever,” Zuala teased her wife as Yasha’s face turned red once more. “Still I think it would be best for the three of us to try something more serious, at least we can try. Though we still need to talk to Beauregard to see if she’d be willing to try. If I didn’t scare her away from the very thought of intimacy with either of us,” Zuala said rubbing her temples. 

“Why don’t you get some sleep, I’ll see if Beau is still awake and see if she’s willing to talk in the morning,” Yasha suggested, the necessity of their talk made the barbarian forget Zuala had almost died today. The thought made her stomach cold, her wife would need her rest. “Sleep tight,” she said before wrapping the protesting tiefling in the blankets, swaddling her easily, “I’ll be back in a little while.” 

“Make sure Beauregard knows I’m sorry for springing this on her,” Zuala mumbled, she was mentally and physically exhausted and the warmth of the blankets sapped her will power. 

“Of course my love,” Yasha said knowing it would be much harder for her, she didn’t have a silver tongue like some, not even brass, but she did at least have the drive of a barbarian to push through the awkwardness. 

With that Yasha gently closed the door to their room after strapping Magician’s Judge to her back, for comfort, and took a deep breath before going downstairs. She didn’t know what she was going to say, Beau had a way of confusing her in the best and worst ways, her thoughts were all jumbled and her stomach tumble in the best ways. Just because the storm inside had ended for now didn’t make her thoughts clear. She had admitted to her wife that she was in love with Beau, Beau, one of her best friends, sister in arms, who lusted after her the moment they had met. Who was far sweeter and better than she gave herself credit for. 

Yasha had barely spoken to the monk since she helped Zuala come back to life, she didn’t feel like she had the right. For the longest time she felt guilty that she could never give Beau what she wanted, what she deserved. The little monk had never pushed her for anything Yasha couldn’t give, not even before she found out about Zuala. 

Still, she felt lighter despite her nerves, she had admitted her feelings towards the monk, to Zuala at least, and her wife wasn’t upset. This was hardly a normal situation but then nothing with the Mighty Nein ever was. Part of her wanted to wake up Molly, he would know what to say, her was always better at these things than she was. But Beau needed to hear what Yasha had to say, not pretty words that Molly helped her concoct. Words from the heart spoken with the truth couldn’t be wrong, could they? At the very least, Mollymauk would tell her to wait for morning not some godsforsaken hour so late that even Caleb wouldn't know the time. Another reason why she didn’t interrupt her second favorite tiefling’s beautyrest, she didn’t want anything to stop her. 

As Yasha reached the top of the stairs, a the sounds of shattered glass from below made the Barbarian jump from her thoughts. Barely taking a moment to step on a few stairs she leap below ready for anything. Luckily, or unluckily perhaps, there was only one person in the bar and it was the one Yasha was looking for. 

The monk was bent over the bar, with her shapely rear in the air like a cat as she clumsily tried to snatch a bottle of liquor from the shelf. Yasha stared for a moment, just a moment she wasn't staring at Beau’s rear end for any long amount of time, before walking over to the monk and hoisting her over. 

“Yasha,” Beau said happily after Yasha placed her on the stool, but then her face fell as she remembered why she was trying to drink so heavily. “Yasha…, you’re down here…, with your sword,” she didn’t sound surprised, or even drunk, just resigned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, it took a bit of work since I got lost a few times. I'm sorry if the ending seems a bit abrupt, I actually cut off quite a bit from the end, Yasha and Beau talk a bit but I decided to cut it off from this chapter and make it the beginning of the next chapter so it ends pretty quickly. I hope you guys don't mind. Please tell me what you think


	4. We'll Face the World for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you guys like this one, I'm sorry it took so long, writers block and adhd, and life in general got in the way.  
> But here is chapter 4, hopefully the 5th and final chapter won't take so long.  
> Just a heads up everything before the linebreak was supposed to go in the last chapter, but  
> I decided it fit better here.  
> Also as a warning, things get a bit heavy since moving through self-loathing is a big part of the story  
> Next chapter will hopefully be fluffier

“Are you drunk Beau,” Yasha asked despite knowing the answer. 

“Nope,” Beau seethed frustrated beyond belief, “not for a lack of trying though,” she said gesturing to the several empty bottles beside her. Beau hadn’t been able to get drunk for a long time. Something they never told her when she ‘volunteered’ to be a monk of the Cobalt Soul was that as you become more and more connected with your own ki and the ki of the universe, your body adapts, becoming immune to poisons and disease. Which meant that Beau could drink all day and night the stoutest of spirits and not get buzzed in the slightest. 

“You’re making quite a mess for a pointless quest,” Yasha said pointing to the broken glass from the bottle Beau had dropped. “We both know you can’t get drunk, you proved that with Nott’s flask a long time ago. The only thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to make yourself sick.” Even if the alcohol couldn’t affect her, drinking too much of anything wasn’t good for you. 

“I’m paying for it,” Beau shot back pointing to the pile of gold coins on the bar, next to the bottles, “Even if I can’t get drunk that doesn’t mean I can’t try. If I’m going to die, I don’t want to die sober.” She looked back to the barbarian with sad guilty eyes. 

“You’re not going to die Beau,” Yasha said, not until we talk she said to herself. She wouldn’t let Beau die, god help whatever gods tried to take her or Zuala away from Yasha. 

“Zuala told you what happened,” Beau said more than asked, as she eyed the barbarian and the sword strapped to Yasha’s back. “You wouldn’t be down here if she hadn’t, sword and all.” 

Yasha stared at Beau, she was always tiny compared to her, but this was the first time Yasha had ever seen the monk ever looked small. She looked tired and exhausted, her eyes were red and not from the alcohol, she might have cried a bit. “The weight of my blade was to comfort me when I have something important that I have to say, I don’t need it for killing tonight.” Or today might be more appropriate the sun would be up in a few hours. 

“I’ll leave,” Beau said softly, like a scared child. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want Yasha, I don’t want to make trouble for you and Zuala.” She sounded close to tears, but she sounded sincere, and Yasha knew she was. She also knew that Beau would rather die than leave the Nein, her real family behind, but she would for Yasha. She would do so much for Yasha and the barbarian wished she realized it sooner. 

“I don’t want you to leave Beau,” Yasha said awkwardly. She didn’t expect Beau to be like this, so miserable and tired. She should have known that for all her good qualities, Beau was crippled by self doubt and self blame. She was exhausted, both of them were, but Beau looked far worse. “Zuala told me what happened, I’m not mad, not at you and not at her,” she tried to be soothing, at the very least Beau didn’t look like she was on death row anymore. 

“How can you not be angry with me,” Beau asked in a small voice, “I kissed your wife?” 

Imagining the incident, Zuala kissing Beau curled a fire in Yasha’s belly that she didn’t need to think about right now. Though at the very least it was a pleasant feeling now that she had come to see things from another point of view. “From what Zuala told me she did most of the kissing,” Yasha tried to tease, but she wasn’t very good at it yet, “look, I want to talk to you about this, but you’re in no state to have this conversation, and having a clearer look at things maybe I’m not either,” she said truthfully. She desperately wanted to talk to Beau about what she had discussed with Zuala, but neither of them were in any condition to talk about something this big. 

“Come here,” Yasha said gesturing for Beau to get into her arms, she didn’t trust the monk not to try and drink herself stupid if she went back to her own room. 

Cautiously Beau stepped towards Yasha, like a deer sniffing to see if her food source was trapped. Yasha just rolled her eyes and picked Beau up princess style instead of over the should like she used to surprising them both. “I-I have 5 gold around here somewhere,” Beau managed to get her joke out through her stuttering. Though she reached into her purse anyway as if she didn’t believe what was happening was real. 

“It’s fine,” Yasha said brushing off the monk’s offer and tried to ignore how right it felt to have Beau in her arms like this. If everything went well then they could talk tomorrow and maybe Beau would end up here more often, but until then she tried not to enjoy it as much as she did. 

“How are you not mad at me,” Beau asked cautiously after Yasha cleared the steps, “I’d be pissed.” 

“Don’t worry about that for now Beauregard,” Zuala was right, Beau did let out a nice shiver when you used her full name. “I spoke with Zuala and we both need to talk with you tomorrow. Just know that I’m not angry with you, and neither is Zuala.” 

“If I wasn’t so pissed about not being able to get drunk I’d be sure I was drunk,” Beau mumbled into Yasha’s shoulder. She really was quite cute when she was confused and tired. 

“Make sure you drink plenty of water before you go to bed,” Yasha warned as she got to the room Beau shared with Jester. “Just because you can’t get drunk doesn’t mean whatever you drank won’t dry you out.” 

“None of the fun of getting drunk but all of the hangover,” Beau said annoyed, “lucky for me.” She looked unsure at Yasha as if she didn’t believe that this was actually happening. 

“Drink your water and go to bed Beau, you need your rest,” Yasha said giving the tiny monk a kiss on the forehead. She channeled some of power her angelic blood gave her and did what little healing she could through her lips. It wouldn’t heal the hangover, but it would help in a small way. “We’ll talk tomorrow, I promise,” with that she left to go back to her own room. Her face was red from her own boldness, and as she walked away she could hear Beau whisper something about somehow getting to be drunk, that helped with Yasha’s ego. 

Tomorrow then, tomorrow things would change, one way or another. 

“How did it go,” Zuala asked when Yasha returned to their room. “Your back quicker than I thought.” 

“I didn’t talk to Beau about our relationship,” Yasha told her sitting down exhausted. She didn’t realize how tired she was. 

“Did you chicken out,” Zuala teased gently, she knew how hard it was for Yasha to be open, especially with other people. it had taken her a long time for her to even get comfortable around Zuala, but Zuala knew she was worth the wait, just like Beau. “If you want I can talk to her tomorrow, I’m the one who started this after all.” 

“No,” Yasha said firmly, “you can be there, but I need to be the one who talks to her about this, I owe her that much at least.” 

“Okay,” Zuala said dragging Yasha down to the bed so they could get some well earned rest, “but I’m going to be there to,” she insisted. “It involves the three of us after all.” 

“That might be for the best,” Yasha said as she closed her eyes, it would be less complicated and more believable coming from both of them instead of just her. 

“Sleep now my Angel,” Zuala said, “we have a quite the day tomorrow,” and with that the two fell asleep knowing they would need their rest for tomorrow. 

 

 

 

Yasha and Zuala weren’t able to speak with Beau in the morning, the monk was hungover from her attempt at literally drowning herself in alcohol as predicted and was in no mood to speak to anyone. They set off traveling, the rest of the Nein could feel the awkwardness between the three women. Jester asked Beau about it when doing what she could to relieve the pain in her head, but Beau just told the cleric that she thinks she messed up. Nott asked Zuala and Yasha what Beau did though and Zuala told her that Beau didn’t do anything wrong, which sounded alien to the goblin/halfling, but she didn’t press it any more. Only Molly was willing to press them, as he viewed it as his right as best friend, but even he barely got anything more, just that the three of them needed to talk. 

Eventually they stopped their cart early, they were in no rush to Zadash, it was a summer’s day which meant the sun would be high in the sky regardless and they knew this spot on the road was safe enough. They were probably strong enough to deal with anything that attacked them on the main road, but it was the best place to camp for a while, they had been down this road enough to know that. Besides, worst comes to worst, Caleb could teleport them all where they wanted to go, cart and all. 

Once they settled in for the night it was close to sundown, Zuala nodded to Yasha and the barbarian went over to Beau. “I -, we need to speak with you Beau,” Yasha said awkardly gesturing between her and Zuala. She tried to ignore the fact that the others were staring at the two of them with great interest. “In private,” she stated to make sure that was clear. 

Beau looked like she was thinking for a bit, like she was trying to figure out an escape but eventually relented with a sigh, “yeah sure. How bout the three of us go for a walk,” she suggested. Her voice was full of false cheer, as if she expected the worst to happen. 

“Wonderful,” Zuala said coming over, “let’s head that way,” she sort of dragged Beau with her leaving Yasha alone to face the others. 

“Caleb,” Yasha said walking over to the wizard. “I adore Frumpkin very much,” she stated, “please do not make me send him back to his realm by making him spy on us,” the threat was clear in her voice. 

“Ja of course Yasha,” Caleb agreed quickly. For all the power he gained the last few years, he knew better than to piss off the barbarian no matter how tranquil she seemed. It wasn’t worth the 10 gold to resummon his cat and have the three women mad at him no matter how much he, and the others, wanted to know what happened between the three women. 

“Thank you,” Yasha nodded, “anyone else who follows us puts their own lives in peril as well, this is the only warning,” she said looking directly at Nott and Jester. Without another word she turned from the camp and followed her wife and her…, well her Beau if things went well. 

The three of them walked for about 10 minutes before they reached another clearing that seemed good enough for them to talk. During the walk Beau glanced around every now and then, maybe looking for someone following them, or maybe looking for an escape route. It hurt Yasha, that Beau thought she would hurt her, Yasha never would hurt her if her will was her own. Yasha knew that it wasn’t that Beau thought that Yasha would hurt her, just that she was used to people hurting her, it didn’t do much to make Yasha feel any better though. 

“Alright,” Beau said breaking the silence, “I know you guys are the ones who wanted to talk with me, but do you mind if I say something first?” 

Zuala exchanged a look with her wife, this wasn’t how they had thought it was going to go, but they weren’t going to stop her. “Of course Beauregard, say whatever you wish without judgement,” she promised. It was her impulsiveness that got them all into this…, well it was only a mess if it didn’t work out, if it did she was a genius who deserved to be worshipped by both her lovers. Still, it was her actions that brought them here so she needed to respect whatever Beau said. 

“So you’re not mad at me,” Beau turned to ask Yasha, “for kissing your wife.” 

“I’m not Beau,” Yasha promised. 

“Well then I can only guess the reason that the two of you asked me out here if it wasn’t to kill me,” Beau said. It didn’t surprise them, despite her self-depreciation, Beau was smart and clever, but still, something seemed off about her. “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” she muttered more to herself than to them, “but I’m gonna have to turn you down.” 

It was heartbreaking to hear for Yasha and Zuala who had hoped and believed that Beau would be happy to be in a relationship with them. Still, despite the hurt they would respect Beau’s wishes. “Of course Beauregard,” Zuala said though her cheeks flushed white in embarrassment, she couldn’t believe that she was, “I’m sorry for all of this, I never wanted to make you uncomfortable.” 

“Look it’s not that,” Beau said she looked guilty, “I’m flattered and will probably hate myself for the rest of my life for turning you guys down, but I just…, can’t.” She looked really down. “I mean if you guys wanted to spice up your sex lives, I get it, but you can find someone better than me.” 

There it was, Beau made an assumption, not a insane or illogical one, that Yasha and Zuala wanted to invite her into their bed. “Beau,” Yasha said softly, Zuala hadn’t known Beau very long, but Yasha knew that dark look in the monk’s eyes. 

“I mean,” Beau started again as she turned her back to them before they could say anything else, “you guys can afford Jester’s mom with all the money we have if you want an exciting night. I mean I’m no slouch with women, but they don't write songs about.” 

“What if we weren’t asking for just for a night Beau,” Yasha said taking the smaller woman’s arm and turning her around, forcing Beau to look at her. 

“Well than what else would you want me for,” Beau shouted back, she didn’t even know why she was yell, but the emotions were building up inside of her and she needed to get them out somehow, it was either shout or cry and she wasn’t going to cry in front of them. “I can only punch things and hit on pretty women badly, I’m not good at anything else. Why else could you want me for,” she whispered that last part as she fought back tears. 

Yasha could only look at her with sad pitying eyes and Beau wanted to get angry, it would be better than being this pathetic mess. But she couldn’t, she was always so full of anger and she hated being pitied, why couldn't she get angry at Yasha now. If she lashed out maybe it would show Zuala and Yasha the real her the garbage person that’s pretending to be a competent member of the party. 

“Oh Beauregard,” Yasha said her eyes full of warm pity and something else Beau couldn’t recognize. Briefly Beau wondered if she sounded like that all those years ago on Bisaft, nah, she probably sounded more condescending than concerned. The little monk tried to pull away from her weakly but she couldn't summon any strength to get out of Yasha’s grip. 

“There are many reasons to want you Beauregard,” Zuala said gently as she went to Beau’s other side so she had to look at one of them. “You’re far more amazing than you give yourself credit,” she said taking Beau’s face in her hands. 

“I’m just a garbage person who hits things,” Beau protested weakly, she always felt weak when looking into the eyes of a pretty girl and Zuala was beautiful. “I’m the normal one.” 

“No Beau, you’re far from normal,” Yasha said in her gentle thunderstorm voice, Zuala let go of Beau’s face so she could meet Yasha’s eyes, “you’re extraordinary,” she whispered and Beau felt her knees go weak. 

“You can’t just say things like that to a girl Yasha,”Beau mumbled to the ground her face bright red. “Not like that and certainly not with your wife right here, a girl could get the wrong idea.” 

“What if it was exactly the right idea,” Zuala said softly and Beau turned back to her, being surrounded by the two most beautiful women in the world and constantly having to switch between them was giving Beau whiplash. 

“I mean I already said -,” Beau hesitated. 

“I don’t mean in our bed for a night Beauregard,” Zuala interrupted with a gentle power in her voice, “in our bed, in our hearts, maybe one day…, in our marriage.” 

Part of Beau had an inkling about what they wanted from her when Yasha didn’t pull out her sword, or at least punch her for kissing her wife. But it was the part of her that Beau never listened to, the part that told her she was loved, the part that told her she was smart and strong, the part of her that told her she wasn’t garbage or a mistake. It was the part of her that sounded warm and kind, that sounded like hope. Beau was terrified of that part of her, more than the voices in her head that sounded like her parents that called her worthless, trash, that her friends only pretended to care about her…, that she was unloveable. 

“You’re good Beauregard,” Zuala continued not giving Beau a chance to be overwhelmed by her own thoughts. “You’re strong, and sweet, and funny, and smart, and so fucking hot,” she said giving Beau a cheeky smile. 

“You’re amazing Beau,” Yasha said gentle wrapping Beau in her arms, “you don’t have to agree to anything, but it doesn’t change that. You are beautiful and strong, and have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why you can’t love yourself, but I don’t care. I will love you enough for the three of us.” 

That, That wasn’t what Beau thought Yasha would say. Only one person in her entire life and told Beau that they loved her, and that was Jester who said it as a friend after Beau said it first. Here Yasha, the girl she had been in lov-, pinning over for the past couple of years said it first, it couldn’t be real. “Y-you love me,” Beau asked as if it was the most important question in the world, and maybe it was. 

This wasn’t how she wanted to tell Beau, this isn’t what she had talked about with Zuala, but love was rarely something that went according to plan. Instead, Yasha steeled her courage and spoke with her heart, “Yes Beau, I’m in love with you,” it was gentle and sweet, but Yasha felt like an even heavier weight was removed from her heart than the one from last night when she talked to Zuala. “I think I have been for a long time.” 

Beau looked terrified, “b-but,” as she looked at Zuala, did she ruin the closest thing she had seen to a good relationship. She had been worried since Zuala kissed her last night, ‘of course your ruined them you piece of shit,’ a voice in her head snarled at her sounding like her dad, ‘it’s what you do.’ It had probably wanted to berate her more as she started to panic, but Zuala interrupted it. 

“Breathe Beauregard,” Zuala said gently taking Beau’s panicking face in her hands again, “breathe in and out, slowly.” As she was walking through a simple breathing exercise Beau managed to stem the panic attack before it came full blast. “Yasha and I still love each other, that hasn’t changed, I promise. We just found out that maybe, our hearts were bigger than we thought they were and had room for another. Room for you,” she said softly as she made the offer, there was no demand or trying to trap, just letting the self-destructive monk know that people cared about her. 

“I-I’m grateful,” Beau said trying to find the words, “but I can’t,” the words hurt to get out. She never wanted anything more than to be in the arms of these two women, but she couldn’t. She was impossible to want, not worth loving. Beau was the unwanted daughter of the esteemed Lionett family, replaceable, broken, the rotten fruit of her mother’s womb her father was fond of saying. She ruined everything she touched, she couldn’t do that to them, even when they realized she wasn’t worth their time and removed her from their relationship, she was worried she would taint what they had. “I can’t ruin you two,” tears started to fall even as she struggled to get out of Yasha’s arms. She couldn't breathe, she needed to get out of here, away from them. 

Yasha let go of her, but caught her arm before she could go dashing off into the forest, “you are not going to ruin anything Beau, because that isn't you. If it's still a no because we're not what you want than fine. But if it’s because you’re scared that you’re going to ruin us or because you hate yourself than please stay, Zuala and I will love you so much that it won’t hurt as bad and we’ll make sure one day you’ll see yourself as amazing and beautiful as we see you.” 

Beau turned her head towards Zuala, the monk had lusted over Yasha since the moment she saw the barbarian, had loved her for almost as long. But the tiefling looked at her lovingly and acceptingly, “you’re amazing Beau,” Zuala said softly, “you’ve saved my life, you’re gorgeous, and when you fight my heart dances like you do. If you want to say yes, than say yes, we will face anything to have you with us, because you’re worth it. It’s going to be hard sometimes, sure, but all relationships are and I would rather the three of us face it together than alone.” 

Beau stood their, Yasha let the monk’s arm slip out of her hand, as much as she wanted to hold Beau, she needed to be the one to make the decision without interference. She wouldn’t ever take away Beau’s freedom, something she never had before meeting the Nein. 

“I-if I say yes, and I’m not saying I am,” Beau said weakly, her will was eroding, the self-loathing was still there like always, but the two beautiful women confessing to her seemed to quiet it a bit, “there have got to be some rules.” 

“Of course Beauregard,” Zuala said hopefully, she had a sweet smile on her face despite her heart threatening to escape her chest. She hadn’t felt this way since Yasha gave her a roc’s feather when they were teenagers. “We wouldn’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable, it’s a lot to ask.” 

“Okay,” Beau said softly, thinking about what she needed, “if the three of us become a thing, you guys can’t give me special treatment in battle,” she said firmly. “I’m not a fragile piece of glass and I don’t need a babysitter. I’m a front line fighter, I get up in the face of our enemies whether they’re people or monsters and beat them to death with my bare hands so they don’t hurt anyone else. It’s my job to protect everyone and if we’re going to be together you both need to accept that.” 

It was hard for them, but both Yasha and Zuala agreed, Yasha understood better than most how strong Beau was, she had fought beside her all this time. Still, the monk wasn’t as indestructible as she made herself out to be, she was dodgy and good at reading her opponents, but she was still just a person beneath her training. She was tough and strong, but just as vulnerable to blades and arrows. But Yasha also knew that she was right, you couldn’t fight to win if you were fighting to keep one person safe. It had taken Yasha a long time to realize that protecting everyone meant that everyone was protecting you too. 

“Two,” Beau said continuing, she still sounded like she was choking, but at least now she seemed like she was managing. “The three of us take what…, this is slow. I’m not good at relationships with one person, I can’t imagine how much I’m going to fuck it up, but hopefully if you guys are willing to be a bit patient maybe I won’t be too much of a screwup.” 

“Of course Beuregard,” Zuala said right away, she knew how to deal with a nervous lover who was constantly down on herself, “we won’t rush things, what we’re trying to do is new to all of us, it would be best to take things slow.” 

“Alright,” Beau said a bit softer, “last one for now, if…, whenI get to be too much to deal with, just tell me and drop me, I won’t complain, I’ll just take the hint and we can go back to being teammates. So don’t hesitate.” That was the hardest part for Beau, maybe she could hold off a bit and have some good memories with Zuala and Yasha until they realized she wasn’t worth it, but she knew it was going to happen eventually. 

“What Be-,” Zuala started to say. She needed Beauregard to know that they wouldn’t leave her alone no matter what, that their feelings weren’t conditional, but Yasha stopped her. 

“Done,” Yasha said interrupting Zuala before she could argue with Beau, “you said that was your last one for now,” she walked over to Beau. Beau nodded, she wanted this, but part of her also wanted them to but part of her also wanted them to assure her that she wouldn’t get that bad. “If you have other needs, just let us know, we’ll do our best to accommodate you,” she said it slowly with a confidence she didn’t have. “You’re an equal to the two of us in this, even if this is very confusing for all of us, so don’t hesitate to speak up. I promise we will always be willing to listen.” 

“I have your word that you’ll end things if I get to bad,” Beau asked making sure. 

“Yes,” Yasha nodded, “the minute you become too much to handle we will cut you loose,” she confirmed. Taking Beau’s face in her hands Yasha continued, “but you will never become that Beau I promise. I love you Beau, I’m not scared to say that, and someone you love can never go too far or get so bad that you have to cut them loose.” 

Yasha spoke with such strong sincerity and conviction Beau couldn’t help but believe her. In the end, she was emotionally exhausted and too tired of fighting what she wanted. “Okay,” Beau managed to get out, her eyes were gleaming with tears but no more fell, not yet anyway, “if you guys are willing to take a risk on a bad investment like me than let’s do this.” It didn’t feel right, no, what she said didn’t feel correct. It wasn’t something flowery like bards sang about and it didn’t go on and on like the purple prose poets wrote about, but it was so unbelievably Beauregard of the Mighty Nein that it felt righter than anything she could have said. 

Yasha and Zuala smiled at her and embraced her softly, Beau wasn’t a hugger, not because she didn’t like them, but because before meeting Jester and the rest of the Nein she never experienced one. But still, sandwiched between two gorgeous and powerful Xhorhasian women who apparently cared about her flaws and all, it was pretty damn right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think, did you like it, dislike it, love it, love parts but hate others, favorite part least favorite part, think I should burn in hell, tell me your thoughts.  
> You don't have to read this part this is just me being anxious about my writing and rambling on a bit with my thoughts  
> I'm a bit sorry about how angsty Beau is, maybe a bit ooc but she's my favorite character and I think she has a lot of self-loathing that keeps her trapped and realizing she's not nearly as bad as she seems will allow her to be happy.  
> I also figured that while Beau and Yasha had to talk and beauyasha is my opt, Zuala desevered and needed to be there if the three of them are going to be in a happy and healthy polyamorous relationship together  
> The hardest part of writing this was at the end where the three of them are talking, it's really hard to write dialog and having three people present and communicating is so frustrating. I actually sort of ended it where it was because I thought it fit and because between the three of them it would only get longer and more messier at that point.  
> Additionally: Big thanks to everyone who commented and gave kudos, here and on the beauyasha discord, your kind words have helped me so much in pushing through my writers block, the kind words I got a few days ago are the only reason I finished this chapter so you never know when a nice word or comment can do for a writer  
> I thought about ending it on a kiss too, between Yasha and Beau and then Zuala and Beau and Yasha and Zuala, but it got too messy already with the heaviness and I realized I would rather have it during the next chapter than the end of this one.  
> Finally, I know Yasha said that loving someone means accepting their flaws and never giving up on them, but that is not good advice. It works here because Yasha knows it's beau's selfloathing and abusive past speaking, and they are going to be in a romantic relationship, she has known Beau for a long time and trusted her with her life for a long time, but in general love has limits. People who claim to love you can hurt you, intentionally even and will keep doing it if you let them, sometimes it's best to just cut off the dead limb if the tree is going to survive. It sounds harsh but that's just the way it is sometimes and it will be better for you in the long run as long as you are safe leaving the person.  
> Anyway, I'm going to stop here, thank you for reading

**Author's Note:**

> Zuala is a druid because I think it would fit Yasha wanting to put flowers on her grave, circle of the land, swamp before she died, forest after. She's probably level 6 or so and that's why she's mostly just a caster in the back since she's so underleveled.  
> She's also a tiefling because I like the dicodemy between a woman with angel blood and a woman with demon blood falling in love


End file.
